So, I’ve been a bit absent lately – on social media, on the blog, everywhere really.
To be completely, 100 percent honest and raw with you, I relapsed.
I’ve been suffering from depression on and off since I was 16 years old. It runs in my family, unfortunately, along with a few other mental disorders. Along with depression, I suffer from severe anxiety, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. (Editor’s Note: I can’t believe I am actually going to publish this).
I am pretty aware of my body and how I am feeling at all times, and I’ve noticed over the past few months I’ve lost joy in a lot of things that I once used to love. Obviously my other health issues (severe migraines) haven’t helped that at all. Having a severe migraine for two weeks out of a month is no way to live. Being bedridden for that period of time is no way to live.
Recently, I noticed myself going in a downward spiral – crying all the time, feeling terrible about myself, not knowing what to do, where to turn, or how to get myself out of this all too familiar funk. I hadn’t felt this way since my last relapse in college. Yet, I would still have random bursts of energy where I felt amazing (cue mood cycling).
I was in so much agony and pain that I finally decided to go see someone. Ever since my last episode that severely affected my ability to function, which was years ago, I’ve been adamant about not seeing doctors and not being on medication. But, here’s the thing, sometimes that is what we need to do, and if we really are feeling that awful about ourselves and feeling that down where we just cannot shake it, we need to seek help.
I know there’s a huge stigma around mental health, and it’s very hard for me to write this post because of that stigma. I know I will get judged. I know that I will be understood. It depends who you are, what you’ve been through, and what your viewpoints on mental health are.
I am happy to say that I did see a doctor, and after receiving the same diagnoses I’ve been receiving my entire life, I have been placed on medication to help “normalize” me again. I am beginning to feel better, and I hope to return to blogging full-time again because I miss it.
My point in writing this is that a lot of us suffer from mental illness, but it’s hidden. Just like the points I’ve made in our other mental health awareness posts: oftentimes, we know someone with a particular disorder, we just don’t know it.
Aside from one tweet I’ve made, or if you know me well outside of this platform, I bet you guys had no idea I was suffering. And, if you did, we should be friends because I need people in my life who will notice little details like that.
Don’t be afraid to get help. It is out there. Talk to a friend. Talk to me. See a doctor. There is nothing wrong with medication, if you need it. Call one of the helplines listed in Erin Post’s most recent blog. There is help out there, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel – no matter how dim, dark, and hopeless things may seem.