So here in New Jersey, the weather is crazy. One day is in the 60s; the next day it’s 30s and snowing. This has wreaked havoc on my health and frankly, my motivation to ride. I am hoping, wishing, praying this is a winter funk, and that once spring rolls around, I’ll roll out of it and get my mojo back.
The truth is, despite my progress this past (almost) year, I’ve felt deflated, discouraged, and dejected. I’ve had to make some hard decisions, and I’ve also had to make a hard decision to be less personal when it comes to my blog account. While I love sharing my life with you guys, the hate I get from some people is not worth it, and I think it has contributed to this funk I’ve been in (not to give you haters the power, but I’m being honest here).
I have big plans for myself this upcoming year. I’m going to be starting in the low adult hunter and equitation and perhaps the 2’6″ jumpers. I’ve signed up for my very first clinic (2’6″ section, but that’s better than nothing). I am super excited about what I have coming up for me, but the motivation to get my ass in gear is so. damn. hard.
I’ve pinpointed some things that may be contributing to this lack of motivation. Sometimes I think I’ve lost my love for riding, and I think wanting to be super competitive (a goal of mine for many years now) has contributed to that. There’s pressure. A lot of it. But I put that on myself. There is no one doing that but me. I want to qualify for M&S Finals this year. I want to be in the 3′ by December (lofty, but possible given my progress thus far). I have the drive. It’s in there somewhere. I just gotta pull it out again. I gotta find that love again. I gotta tap into that passion.
Despite all this, what’s not helping?
- The unpredictable weather;
- My health;
- Lack of support from my friends;
- The pressure I put on myself because I am a perfectionist at heart – I always have been, whether it’s grades, my career, my relationships.
So, what am I going to do? Well, the weather is something over which I have no control, though I wish I did. I was just in Florida for 4 days and felt great. The weather was beautiful. Sunny, 60s and 70s, not a cloud in the sky. Too bad we can’t transplant that up to this part of the east coast.
My health? I am working diligently with my doctor on that. Since my concussion in October, I have been working with my doctor on finding a solution to my post-traumatic headache syndrome. Unfortunately, those prone to chronic migraines (raises hand) are more prone to post-traumatic headache syndrome after a concussion. We are tweaking my medicine; trying physical therapy; and may even try a chiro or acupuncturist – something I’ve been reluctant to do in the past. However, I can live my life like this – that nagging twinge of pain in my head every day. It certainly makes riding harder and less appealing. Even though I’m super young right now, I’m even considering Botox (studies show one shot of Botox leaves you migraine free for at least three months at a time). I am hoping once spring really comes around and the weather steadies, I won’t have to worry about this (my headaches are triggered by pressure changes – another thing I can’t control), but we will see. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Doubters and lack of support from my friends are something I need to deal with personally. No one knows me or my riding career but me. No one has a say but me. Whether it’s my finances, my show career, what I’m doing – my trainer and I are the only ones who really know the ins and outs of my training, my capabilities, and my progress. Something that people need to realize is social media is curated. We share what we want to share. We don’t always share the positive or the negative. Remember that next time you make a comment about someone’s life. And another thing, you don’t know what the other person is going through. We each have a story; you do too. Your hurtful, negative, jealousy-driven words are more hurtful than you think. Or, if you do know the effect of your words, you’re just a jerk. Sorry.
Nostalgia. Lately, I’ve been feeling nostalgic about the days where there was no pressure to compete. Riding was just riding. I knew I was working up to something – but I wasn’t there yet. I gotta take the pressure off myself, which also addresses that aspect. I have always been a perfectionist. Hell, I got upset if I got less than an A in a class in school. It’s something I need to work on and am working on, but because it’s been engrained in my since I literally started school, it takes some time to break that habit. We’re talking 20+ years of perfectionism here. I need to let go; know it’s okay to make mistakes; and know that I am not always going to be perfect, no matter how much I want to be.
So, that’s why I’ve been absent lately. I’ve been dealing with some heavy stuff – some stuff I’m not addressing in tis post. I appreciate your patience and your loyalty to the blog, and I promise I have more content coming up soon.
By the way, speaking of perfectionism, George Morris’ autobiography is coming out very soon. Get it here! I’ve seen early reviews (totally jealous I wasn’t lucky enough to get an early copy), and it looks to be a great read. Don’t worry – I will be doing my own review once I get my hands on a copy and since my trainer rode with him and knows him pretty well, I absolutely will be able to give more insight (what I can anyway. Some things do stay private).
And if you don’t get the perfectionism reference, here’s his famous quote:
Perfect practice makes perfect.